Phew, today I wrote my next-to-last exam and that's the subject which is quite tricky for me. I just hope that the grade sort of balances out my past not so good grades. But I have faith in the Lord and will be accepting anything he will give me.
My birthday is coming up in a few days :D I'm quite excited for that since I can finally relax and enjoy a weekend doing nothing! I'm looking forward to get-togethers with my family and my lovely friends. But most of all I look forward to kind of complete this school year whether I still have to do some oral exams or not.
Weekends have been quite hard for me recently. It's because when you're outside school you get to thinking a lot and get to have time for reflecting on things as well. That part isn't all that bad but when it comes to demotivation then it really is hard to get out of that hole again. I tried my best this weekend to be productive and I can pat myself on the back because I was willing to get up at 7am on Saturday as well as on Sunday. I hope I will carry that attitude throughout the next couple of weeks as well because the final exams are in a month already!
But looking at the months that passed, I can say it has been a struggle. It has been an attitude struggle and yes sure, I had to learn it the hard way but that's just how life is. Refering to the typography on the top, I have learned to say 'fuck you' and I really can say that that has helped me a lot. I didn't particularly say that to people, although it would have probably helped to shut some of the up, but the principle point is, that I started looking and started taking care of myself - putting myself in the centre of the light. The whole external influences have lead me to doubt myself, to constantly compare myself to others or even live up to people's expectations who weren't worth it anyways. Do you know the feeling when you know you shouldn't be doing things and you really want to change so hard but nothing ever goes right? That was how I felt most of the school year. I knew that all this lazying around didn't help me to get to where I wanted, but the most important point was, what did I want? Of course, it's self-evident that all my classmates and myself want the Matura, but back then it was hard for me to even think that I could make it, however, I was pretending that I could. When things don't come and you do not really want anything from your heart then it might be a struggle that you might even get it. It's the willingess and the passion behind it that leads you to succeed and where you want to be. Without wanting it or even believing in it, which is another major point, then it will be difficult to get to where you want to be. It has taken me a lot of courage to actually realise and accept that the self-doubt was the key factor that hindered me from everything and it was hard for me to find myself and my place in this world again. Realising that YOU is the best thing you can do helped me a lot. Now and then it just has to be 'Fuck you world. Fuck you people. Fuck you school' because as long as you believe in yourself and you believe that the great man up there is guiding you through everying and also believing that this is exactly where you should be, let-downs and disappointments shouldn't fail you to succeed in everything else.
Praying has also helped me a lot and knowing that other people have faith in me has also helped me very much. Hanging in there, not giving up and just carrying on despite the struggles will definitely benefit you and increase your reward.
Just believe, pray and hope. Three things that will get you through whatever hardship you're going through.
=] <3 don't forget to smile.
Ezzy
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