MEMORY LANE

PERSONAL: FERNWEH

Picture: http://thedecemberissue.tumblr.com/post/4697801505 

Die letzen paar Wochen waren so ziemlich ein auf und ab der Gefühle. Es waren Tage, in denen ich von Angst geplagt wurde und in denen meine Gedanken einfach Dinge schwer abschütteln konnte. It was a mind-thing und ich habe Stärke bewiesen, da diese Tage jetzt endlich vorbei sind. Nach der Angst steht jedoch der Zweifel ganz groß auf meiner Stirn geschrieben. Zweifel an allem was ich tue, denke, fühle. Der Zweifel verfolgt mich bereits eine ganze Weile. Mal war er in meinem Unterbewusstsein, mal ist er kurz erschienen und war dann wieder weg, aber in letzter Zeit lässt er einfach nicht locker. Früher habe ich gerne an alte Zeiten gedacht, reflektiert wie ich mich früher gefühlt habe und ebenso nachgedacht, wie die Situation jetzt aussieht. Nur zu meinem Bedauern kann ich nicht mehr auf diese Art reflektieren, denn sobald ich dies tue, dreht sich alles um Dinge, die mir und meinem Herz nicht gut tun. Aus diesem Grund vermeide ich meine romatische Art und versuche mich umso mehr anderswertig zu beschäftigen. Es sind in den zwei Jahren so viele Dinge passiert, die ich anscheinend nicht richtig verdaut habe. Vielleicht bin ich auch einfach in meiner Traumwelt gewesen und musste mit einem Schlag ins Gesicht der Realität ins Gesicht blicken. Es gibt so viele Dinge von denen ich schwärme und man sagt mir, dass ich diese Dinge mit der Zeit bekomme/erreiche, doch ich bezweifle dies. Vielleicht wurde ich in letzter Zeit auch einfach zu oft enttäuscht und komme mit den Enttäuschungen nicht richtig klar - ich weiß es nicht. 
Jedenfalls klingt es zwar sehr danach, mich vor meinen Problemen zu verstecken, aber ich würde nichts Anderes machen und meine Sachen packen und irgendwo hinfliegen oder hinfahren wo die Leute mich so hinnehmen wie ich bin, keine Erwartungen vor mir haben, mich inspirieren und mich einfach auf einem Weg begleiten, den ich derzeit brauche. Fernweh habe ich demnach schon sehr lange. Einfach raus aus der schnellen Stadt, raus aus den Bekanntschaftsräumen, einfach raus und in Ruhe meine Gedanken wieder schlichten. Natürlich würde ich zurückkommen, das ist keine Frage, denn ich weiß, dass mich der Heimweh dann wieder plagen wird. Aber derzeit ist so eine kleine Reise ein Luxus und deswegen muss ich eben das hinnehmen, was ich gerade habe und zusehen, dass ich auch so klarkommen kann.

=] <3 don't forget to smile.
Ezzy

Questions For My Future Love by THOUGHT CATALOG

It is true, I have been in a mushy mood lately but I guess this article helps a lot before committing to someone and trying to make it work regardless. I hope it is relateable as well as enjoyable ;)

Questions For My Future Love

JUN. 8, 2012

By MILA JARONIEC

Is your heart open? Do you know I’m a new person, you’re a new person and there’s no point of comparison between who we are and who you were? Does knowing that make you feel better or worse? Do you feel stable or unsteady? You’ve never done this before. We’ve never done this before. Are you ready?

Are you going to support me when sh-t gets crazy? Are you going to be there for my rejections, my existential freakouts, my moments of self-doubt that rise and fall with every ignored manuscript and unanswered email? Do you know when to give advice and when to shut up? Do you have a good grasp on the proper way to do both? Do you know I exaggerate, get tunnel vision, self-medicate when things aren’t going well? Do you know what not to take personally? Do you know when to call me out on my bullsh-t?

Do you think you can handle my family? It’s not easy, but they’re not going anywhere so are you willing to learn? Can you handle uncomfortable questions and disapproving looks from time to time? Can you deal with the occasional backhanded compliment? Are you able to smile and nod while my mother shows you the proper way to weed a garden, even if you have an apartment? Do you know how to be respectful even when you don’t agree? Do you know my family is important to me? Are you going to make me choose?

Do you know what you’re doing, like what you’re actually doing? Are you independent, or are you going to make me mother you, carry you, because it’s more comfortable that way? Do you expect us to just “work out” in some magical way without thinking it through? Do you think all our latent problems will be solved by you getting down on one knee? Do you know the idea of marriage makes me feel claustrophobic? Do you know that when I say “yes,” I want to be absolutely sure? Do you realize there’s no guarantee that will happen?

 Do you have a job? A life? Do you have something you’re passionate about, something that keeps you up at night, something that isn’t me? Or do you just want me — want us and nothing else? Do you expect me to be the center of your universe or do you know the balance? I can’t be the center of your universe, that’s way too much pressure and I will disappoint you. Do you understand that there will be times I will disappoint you?

You need alone time too, right? Are you going to let me have my alone time without getting weird? Do you have any friends actually? Are there people you genuinely enjoy spending time with, people who make you see the world a little differently? Do you have a working sense of humor? Do you know that sometimes things don’t make any sense at all? Is that okay?

Do you have a philosophy? Do you believe in things? Do you understand believing isn’t knowing? Do you define yourself by what you embrace or by what you reject? Do you take the time to learn before passing judgment? Do you realize how completely absurd everything is? Does that upset you? Do you care?

Are you willing to try with me? Are you willing to throw your heart in full speed? Are you willing to cut the cord when you know it’s not working, or are you going to push to the very end and make me be the one to say what’s on both our minds? Are you going to be honest with yourself about what you want? Are you going to be honest with me about what you need and when you’re not getting it? Are you willing to be honest?

=] <3 don't forget to smile.
Ezzy

PERSONAL: WHAT HAPPENED WITH LIVING LIFE?

There are so many things I want to do and see but it just seems like everytime I want to do things for myself it just doesn't feel right. There are so many things that keep holding me back and somehow I got to the point where I am craving for someone to say 'Why don't you cut her some slack and let her do what she wants?'.
At the moment, I am just having a really hard time accepting the answer 'no'.
Throughout my teenage years it was never the problem because I hoped for more 'yes'es in the future, when I would be done with my Matura and such. But the more I was craving for seeing the world, going out there and max out my potential and live out my dreams how I wanted it, the more 'no's I came across. And here I was at the same spot where I left off.
I am at the point where all these restrictions make me feel like time is running out to live.
Of course, it's no big surprise that we are all going to die at one point but I wouldn't want my life to end without being proud with what I have accomplished for myself. No regrets.
It is just sad to realise that I have yet to learn to think for myself. I have to learn also knowing what's best for me and take turn now. And I guess the most important part is that I should learn how not to live up to people's expectations but mine, since it is my path to go. I know, I am not the only person who struggles with that life perspective.

And I conclude by saying that I just want to live my life and be happy and I guess I am ready to do whatever it takes.

=] <3 don't forget to smile.
Ezzy

Hello Spring :) Hello Future.

FINALLY, Spring says hello this week. The weather forecasts come with good news. It's gonna be lots of sun and warmer weather. FINALLY! I walked through the city today after school and I must say, lots of people took an advantage of the nice weather. Being in the city always makes me curious about people's fashion. I must say, there were a few people that caught my eye although I am still of the opinion that people dress too stereotype again. Where the mainstream at?

Anyways, my day was good. I wrote my last maths exam in my life and I must say it feels good after knowing that maths was not that much of a scary subject this year!
Yes, time is flying by and I am both happy and scared. I will be writing my last exams in my life in some of the subjects ever in the upcoming weeks.
Which makes me think about what I want to do after school even more. Most of the people know that I am really into writing and that I might persue a career as a journalist but most of the people just do not understand why I would go into that direction or why I would choose a subject in university which is practially overcrowded. I just go with the thought that this is what I want to do and it is for my benefit and it is my life. People might judge and might want to give me some advice but at the end of the day it is me who persues that direction. They can judge and talk but in reality who is the person who knows more about one's future? Well, that's me isn't it, if it's my life. It is normal thinking about one's future as in having a fixed job in some company in 5 years' time or so but I do not see myself in that light yet. I am going through my chapters of life step by step. The next big chapter will be my student life at university and I guess, after that the next chapter will be living life as an employed person.

I am one of the people who wants to enjoy life to the fullest and therefore thinking about in which company I want to stay for the rest of my life is nothing that concerns me that much yet. The people at my age want to get the studying over with and head directly into the life of work but I do not roll that way. Before I really want to settle down I want to see the world, travel and make lots of experience in all of life's facettes. I do not want to be a person who's life evolves around their job, money and materialistic things. I would rather enjoy my life and explore and learn things in that sort of the way.

I know I dream big, but who says it is impossible? Life is full of surprises and life is something we should embrace and find joy in it.

=] <3 don't forget to smile.
Ezzy